The 2fa security circus

[all poststhis post only]

This is a support ticket I sent to twitch a few days ago. It did not solve anything, my issue was ignored, but I still thought it would be interesting to post it here.

Look, I just need to create a script that will show me my real-time viewer count on my streams. Unfortunatelly, I need to use the Twitch API for that. Unfortunately, the old API has been deprecated and does not work anymore. Unfortunatelly, I need to register an app to use the Twitch API. Unfortunatelly, I need to enable 2fa to register apps on Twitch.

Here's the thing, I don't have a phone. I can't use 2fa.

I do not understand this assumption that you guys believe everyone has/must have a phone. Come on, you're better than assuming stuff like this.

I also do not understand why exactly would a phone make my account more """"""secure"""""". I am the world's smartest, most dangerous hacker and I am unhackable. My passwords are never typed, they are 4096 bit PGP RSA encrypted keys that can only be unlocked by a longer-than-48 byte password that I have to type in every time I want to access any password of any account I have ever registered. Whenever I close my browser, all cookies are deleted and account information is lost.

My accounts have never been hacked, and 2fa is not going to make it any different. Unless you plan on leaking your database, I'm 210% positive this account is never getting into anyone's hands. Good luck getting access to my computer while I keep an active eye tracking all connections my computer is making at realtime with netstat -tuapnc and a kernel compiled without IPv6 support, given that you have to be lucky enough to figure out which program currently has my password cached in RAM (IF any) in less than 3 seconds, depending on my reaction time, before I add you to my blocklist.

Hell, I am so secure, that I can even tarball my entire password encrypted directory as they are in my disk right now and just send it in this support ticket, or even to the entire internet. You guys will never see a single byte from them.

I request that you share this message with all your higher-ups on twitch. I want everyone to see this until I'm able to get my viewer count without having to register for that retarded 2fa security fantasy circus. I am going to become twitch's #1 streaming hacker and programmer, and I demand at least the basic analytics without being a cuck to the smartphone culture and treated like a child who has just been furni scammed on habbo.

I just need to get my real-time viewer count reliably on my script, so that it gloriously shows up on my terminal in my second monitor using curl every 5 seconds. I fail to understand why a real API would demand a jking phone for that.

This is going to make a great post in my personal website, please do check it and subscribe to my RSS so you can read it later at (I also share all of my programs there, on my git server. Feel free to get anything from it).

Yes, it has to be in a script, using curl.

Yes, I just sent all of my passwords as an attachment. Feel free to crack them, losers.